Douchebags: The Next Best Thing Since Milli Vanilli

Douchebags (aka "tools") have become the staple of every nightlife venue all over the United States. Whether you're sipping on a dry martini in New York or having sex on the beach in Miami, you will never find a shortage of douchebags. If you're unfamiliar with what a douchebag is, just refer to the image below:

The sweat band absorbs the dripping hair product to maintain the magnificent electroshock hairstyle.

Douchebags come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Many douchebags are known for being narcissistic, superficial, steroid-abusing and jagerbomb chugging individuals with the uncanny ability to appear as confident in themselves as Ron Jeremy did in his acting for the film One-Eyed Monster. Despite the glaringly positive attributes of these nightclub demi-gods, their efforts to become loved by their peers is shot down as fast a dog who loses a fight in Michael Vick's thunderdome (no wait he strangled them himself, but we'll leave that for another post).

Stop being so selfish and think about the douchebag. Let's start off with some words of wisdom for those who encounter the douchebag:

The Angry Girlfriend

So he cheated on you...
On more than one occasion...
With your sister...
And then with your best friend...
Then again with your sister.

Before you start packing your bags, take a look at why your douchebag decided to plow the garden of another woman's farm (have sex with another woman). Your douchebag obviously had no choice due to the fact that all women want him. Being a gift from God to women is a responsibility that douchebags take seriously. He told you that your sister was waiting in the room and that he HAD to do it. It didn't mean anything. Oh yeah, and that night you sent him angry text messages meant that you didn't care so he had the green light to f*ck your best friend.

The Average Guy

You're out on a Friday night with your buddies and girlfriend after a long week of working at (insert hated job here). You decide to go drinking at the hottest bar in town when suddenly your local douchebag locks eyes with you. In a fit of testosterone and drunken filled exhilaration, he gleefully calls you out to a screaming contest or as douchebags refer to it as, "fighting". Of course, you mistake this act of male bonding as aggression and walk away. However, during this time another local douchebag is also getting acquainted with your friends (specifically your girlfriend) by having a tonguefight in the corner of the room. Oh and your friends got kicked out because they decided to play slap-ass with the local douchebag promoter. That could've been you!

What's the big, deal man!? I hope you feel ashamed of yourself. If you can't appreciate a good night out then just keep your negative mumbo jumbo to yourself. Douchebags turned what would have been a rather mundane night of pleasant banter, moderate drinking, and designated driving into a cyclone of fun.

So I hope you see that douchebags are humans like all of us. They're like Jesus except instead of loving everyone they only love themselves. Just because they look different and speak a different language does NOT mean you should criticize them.

I hope I've opened your eyes and your hearts to accepting these stupendous creatures.

In the words of the douchebag,

"Aye brah, there's a party in my mouth. You should come."

Thanks to hotchickswithdouchebags for many of the images :).