Titty Bars

On cold, dark, and lonely nights, men from all over the world gather in a place that has become home to friendly women who excite their audiences with electrifying pole stunts, wearing less clothing than orphans, and rump-shaking so powerful it could start a tsunami in Asia. These magical places are most commonly referred to as "strip clubs" or "titty bars". You're walking into a new world when you go into a titty Bar; It's almost like walking into Narnia.

Titty Bars: Happiness for $20 or more

If you're a little unsure about visiting your local T and A attendants, here's a few reasons to push you over the stage.

You Get To Wear Cool Clothes

It's a common trend in strip clubs for men to wear these awesome trench coats. Men who rock this fashion are also quite comfortable. Whenever it gets nippy inside the room you can always put your hands in your coat. I just don't understand why some guys at these titty bars have so many used tissues around them when the coat is so warm! Trench coats are meant to prevent colds.

You Can Get Rid of Your Unwanted $1 Bills

It gets really annoying when you have to carry all those loose $1s and break those $20s. Some people would get a burger, but (when you pay break a 20 tax) it ends up being $1.07. Strippers don't lie. When you make it rain on the stage, these ladies won't give you dimes and nickels to jingle in your pockets. Instead you get a facial massage with those fabulous milk ducts.

It's Cheaper Than Dance Classes

Face it. You're no Tom Delay. At best you're like Carlton. For that reason, you can get your hands on an experienced professional dancer for ten times less than the cost of a class! Usher uses a chair for his dancing, so why can't you?

Your Wife/Girlfriend Supports It

Don't be a jerk. Take your girlfriend with you! A good girlfriend would love to make you as happy as you make her. The great thing is most titty bars will give her a free shirt for exploring her inner party girl with the audience. At the very least, you get gas money from all the tips she'll be getting while being on stage.

I hope you now know why you should love strip clubs. Appreciate the simple things that make such an experience so pleasant. Put a titty in your face.

-Andrew

Check out next Thursday when I discuss Penis Bars!

Songs That Make You Smile

Music is like sex in the sense that it can touch us in a way that leaves us craving for more, puts us to sleep, moves our hips, or makes us cringe in embarrassment. Some people like it loud, hard and fast while others like it slow, smooth and soft. Some albums last over an hour while some are only good for the first 3 minutes. You can enjoy music anywhere! My point is that everyone appreciates music differently. The songs that I'll be sharing with you are so popular that it makes the Pope look like Bronson Pinchot (Who the hell is that, you ask?--Exactly).

Jermaine Jackson-Escape From The Planet Of The Antmen



We've all wondered what would happen if earth was a planet filled with ant men. Jermaine Jackson poetically describes a world where ant men rule and how a lone man can escape. This is the kind of song you can groove to at your grandmother's Sadie Hawkins dance over at the ol' retirement home. THIS is the kind of jam you should be requesting at the disco. T-Pain, take notes!

The Egyptian Lover - Freak-A-Holic



If you've ever had an addiction, this should bring you some hope. The Egyptian Lover is a visionary and a true musician. His lyrical style has influenced respectable artists ranging from Lil' Mama, Corbin Bleu, to Nick Cannon. He mentions that sexaholism is his new game but I haven't played it yet. Was that on Atari?

LFO - Summer Girls



This next group dispels any stereotype about your average Orange County white guy. Their album has sold so many records that the music industry couldn't afford to buy compact discs to support the craze, so they instead opted to sell their music on Itunes. They make every day feel like the summertime and the days of summer hot, with their panty-wetting harmonies. Who doesn't love girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch!?

It's a shame that music these days aren't produced with the same quality as they were in the good ol' days. What ever happened to the love for making beautiful music? I hope there'll be brighter days for the music industry. So until next time, your friend Andrew and Bronson Pinchot wish you well!

Bronson Pinchot of "Perfect Strangers"

Douchebags: The Next Best Thing Since Milli Vanilli

Douchebags (aka "tools") have become the staple of every nightlife venue all over the United States. Whether you're sipping on a dry martini in New York or having sex on the beach in Miami, you will never find a shortage of douchebags. If you're unfamiliar with what a douchebag is, just refer to the image below:

The sweat band absorbs the dripping hair product to maintain the magnificent electroshock hairstyle.

Douchebags come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Many douchebags are known for being narcissistic, superficial, steroid-abusing and jagerbomb chugging individuals with the uncanny ability to appear as confident in themselves as Ron Jeremy did in his acting for the film One-Eyed Monster. Despite the glaringly positive attributes of these nightclub demi-gods, their efforts to become loved by their peers is shot down as fast a dog who loses a fight in Michael Vick's thunderdome (no wait he strangled them himself, but we'll leave that for another post).

Stop being so selfish and think about the douchebag. Let's start off with some words of wisdom for those who encounter the douchebag:

The Angry Girlfriend

So he cheated on you...
On more than one occasion...
With your sister...
And then with your best friend...
Then again with your sister.

Before you start packing your bags, take a look at why your douchebag decided to plow the garden of another woman's farm (have sex with another woman). Your douchebag obviously had no choice due to the fact that all women want him. Being a gift from God to women is a responsibility that douchebags take seriously. He told you that your sister was waiting in the room and that he HAD to do it. It didn't mean anything. Oh yeah, and that night you sent him angry text messages meant that you didn't care so he had the green light to f*ck your best friend.

The Average Guy

You're out on a Friday night with your buddies and girlfriend after a long week of working at (insert hated job here). You decide to go drinking at the hottest bar in town when suddenly your local douchebag locks eyes with you. In a fit of testosterone and drunken filled exhilaration, he gleefully calls you out to a screaming contest or as douchebags refer to it as, "fighting". Of course, you mistake this act of male bonding as aggression and walk away. However, during this time another local douchebag is also getting acquainted with your friends (specifically your girlfriend) by having a tonguefight in the corner of the room. Oh and your friends got kicked out because they decided to play slap-ass with the local douchebag promoter. That could've been you!

What's the big, deal man!? I hope you feel ashamed of yourself. If you can't appreciate a good night out then just keep your negative mumbo jumbo to yourself. Douchebags turned what would have been a rather mundane night of pleasant banter, moderate drinking, and designated driving into a cyclone of fun.

So I hope you see that douchebags are humans like all of us. They're like Jesus except instead of loving everyone they only love themselves. Just because they look different and speak a different language does NOT mean you should criticize them.

I hope I've opened your eyes and your hearts to accepting these stupendous creatures.

In the words of the douchebag,

"Aye brah, there's a party in my mouth. You should come."

Thanks to hotchickswithdouchebags for many of the images :).

The Bright Side: The Recession

We here in the United States are living in a hectic time when people can no longer afford to eat Grey Poupon on their croissants or bathe in their golden showers. Car window cleaning by the homeless has become a luxury and sex has replaced the expensive dinner date at Carl's Jr.

It's truly no wonder why the citizens of this fine country are in peril. Who'se to blame? It doesn't matter. Here's why:

1.) Parents can raise their children!



That's right! There won't be any more socially retarded individuals entering society because mommy and daddy will be right there to show them the ropes to life. Since nobody has a job, these parents can spend more time at home! MTV, Disney and the Spice Channel (that's what I grew up on) won't be poisoning the minds of our youth. Instead, the newly recessed parents can stop their daughter before she turns into a tween slut with her Hannah Montana apparel and over-exposed belly button. 50 Cent and Lil' Wayne won't be convincing Timmy of Redding, CA to be a gangbanger because his loving parents will be right there to turn that little thug into a successful accountant!


2.) Slackers have an excuse for being unemployed.



If you've been unemployed for years then don't let that deter you from blaming the economy. That awkward question of, "What do you do for a living?" will no longer embarrass you at the bar because everyone understands the situation we're all in. So go ahead and continue leveling your World of Warcraft death knight to lvl 80. I hear the expansion pack is awesome. You only play so much because the economy sucks and you can't find a job right? The answer is YES!


3.) You can watch The Price is Right!



Remember when you had to go to your job and NOT watch The Price Is Right? Well, thank the recession for conveniently placing you out of work so that you can cheer for Myrtle as she attempts to win a new washing machine from Plinko. Not to mention that Bob Barker is the best game show host in the world! Oh wait...Drew uh...that big guy with the glasses took over. Shit. At least Lucky Charms taste great no matter what you're watching. Oh right... you had to cut that out of your budget and eat Sunny Select Unfrosted Mini-Wheats instead. Ouch.



4.) There are always poorer people than you to make you feel better.



Remember the Tsunami that happened a few years ago? Let's not forget the starving people all over the world. Heck, just walking by a homeless guy should cheer you up. So you can't pump gas into your Hummer. Bummer. Take a walk through the park and enjoy the scenery. You won't be seeing your face on a television ad with a missionary in Somalia asking to donate money to you to keep you alive, but you do get to twitter to your friends about how much being in this recession sucks!






Cheer up, guys! The recession ain't so bad! Besides, I hear there's openings for door-to-door vacuum sales!


-Andrew

Welcome to my blog!

This blog began as an ongoing class project for my interactive media course. The first assignment was to come up with a blog idea. Then we had to share 3 blogs we enjoyed.

Seeing as how this post will be deleted and forgotten over time I would like to enlighten those who are so lucky to read this with knowledge bombs. Here's one for your mindsicles!

There are tons of blogs out there but I'm going to share with you the first three that I personally enjoy reading. Keep in mind that my ego is so inflated that the only writing I care to read is my own but through my own charity I will allow these lowly blogs to briefly enter my realm of optimistic posts.

1.) http://yewshouldknow.tumblr.com/


This is the blog of my personal friend that I've had since 1st grade who recently got hired to write for an advertising company that sends him around the world to interview CEOs and then write about it for the Japan Times to sell ad space. He got the job because of this blog right here. It's short and sweet like a caramel-covered Danny Devito which is great for someone with a limited attention span for things that suck (fortunately this blog does not suck). The musical tastes are questionable but because of this I'm introduced to new artists that I would have otherwise not known about. If you're looking for short quips and a myriad of musicians then come here.

2.) http://thesocialsecrets.com/


Another biased selection comes from my fellow dating coach (seen on the left with New York Times best-selling-author Neil Strauss) and friend who writes about his personal endeavors around the world. There's some insightful information about social dynamics, dating, his life, and advertisements for some service or product. The reason I enjoy reading this blog is not because he's my friend but because I understand it. I know that what he writes about has truth to it because I know him personally and his actions are an example of the insights he provides to his readers. Not to mention that he gets $.10 for every visitor that checks out his page. Thanks, Professor Drennan, for the donation!

3.) http://www.heyolivia.com/


Lastly, is a blog by Olivia Munn. Although the image I project to the world can change from time to time, one thing is for certain. I am still a nerd because I know what this means: "L337 HAX0RZ! ROFLMAO!1!11!1". That's all you need to know about my nerdy ways. Frankly, I read more articles than I do blogs and if I had to choose out of the bunch then this is it. Olivia Munn is a pretty, witty, and nerdy girl. She speaks to the heart of my Starcraft-loving soul. The language she speaks is more familiar to me than male genitalia and camcorders are to Paris Hilton. Talk about BFF! When I'm not being too cool for school I occasionally take a gander at this nice piece of blog.



So there you have it. These are my top three blogs. As I was unintentionally daydreaming during class I began to think about a unique blog that I could consistently write without feeling like a child factory worker from China each time I sat in front of the computer. Then it hit me! I'm going to write about the bright side of any negative person, place, or thing. Hence the name, "The Bright Side Up".

Ugh, I won't get any sleep for tomorrow. Thanks for reading.